literature

Dark Shadow---chapter 1

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Literature Text

Two crimson figures walk along the windswept landscape of a world lost in darkness.  The taller of the two figures uses his fire sword to light the way for the pair. “Hey, Tenitrus are we going in the right direction?” the smaller of the two figures says, adjusting his mask. “You know, Nuru, I’m not really sure.” Tenitrus replies, glancing down at Nuru.  “Oh, well that is reassuring…” Nuru replies. “I wonder if Toa Lupine will be mad at us if we are late getting back to the cave.” Tenitrus says lightly tapping the base of his mask with his left hand. Nuru nods his head. “You know better than any of the Toa or Matoran that she will be.” Tenitrus cocks his head. “Good point.” They continue walking and eventually they begin to see a small mountain range peeking over a small dune. “It is about time!” Nuru exclaims. “I thought we would never get back!” Tenitrus dims the fire of his sword and lowers it slightly. “Just got to climb over this little dune and we will be back in the sanctuary.” They climb over the dune and begin running toward the mouth of a cave in the side of the mountain. Tenitrus stops suddenly. “Wait…I hear something.” Nuru stops and turns to observe the area. “I don’t hear anything.” He replies. Tenitrus fires a superheated blast of magma from his gun at the area where the sound came from. He sees the silhouette of someone. The unknown being runs toward Tenitrus and Nuru firing glowing disks as he runs. “Mantus!” Tenitrus yells.  He turns around and fires a blast of super-heated magma at Mantus! Mantus counters with another glowing mouth disk! The explosion of the magma ball and the disk light up the area for a short time. Tenitrus shields his eyes to prevent blindness. Mantus begins laughing his disgusting bug-like maniacal laugh. It is a laugh that could sicken even the strongest of warriors. Tenitrus takes his arm away from his eyes. Mantus is standing about an inch away from him. Tenitrus stumbles back into the cold grainy sand in surprise. “This is where I finish you!” Mantus lifts up both of his secondary arms, which are both holding Matoran sized swords. Tenitrus quickly grabs his magma blaster and fires it at Mantus! The small concentrated ball of magma hits Mantus square in the chest and begins melting his armor. He stumbles back into the sand and begins screaming as his organic parts begin to burn intensely. Tenitrus turns away and begins walking back in the direction that he and Nuru were headed. Nuru pokes his head up from under a small dune that he hid in during the fight. He follows Tenitrus. Mantus’ screams of pain slowly fade into nothing, making the area quiet once again.
This is the fanfic I was talking about for so long!
this is finally it!
woo!!

feedback on how it is would be greatly appreciated
© 2013 - 2024 ToaTenitrus
Comments6
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TheLupineReturns's avatar
Wow, this is really good bro! I'm sorry for not reading this sooner. I really love the dialogue. There are a few things that I think could use some improvement. Your biggest problem is formatting, really. I think it might make the story easier to follow if you make a new paragraph each time there's a new speaker. For example:
“Hey, Tenitrus are we going in the right direction?” the smaller of the two figures says, adjusting his mask.
“You know, Nuru, I’m not really sure.” Tenitrus replies, glancing down at Nuru.
“Oh, well that is reassuring…” Nuru replies.
One thing that impressed me in this story is the fact that there was no tense confusion, meaning you didn't start out in present tense and change to past tense midway. That's a problem I tend to have a lot with my writing, and I commend you for that.
Another little thing that might make the story read more fluently is if you kept exclamation points to the dialogue only. By this, I mean that you don't have to use exclamation points outside of dialogue to make the description seem entertaining.
Other than those two little things, I really like how quickly this escalated! Right off the bat, we're introduced to four characters (Tenitrus, Nuru, Lupine and Mantus). Not only that but we get a little taste of what Tenitrus is capable of during that fight with Mantus.
Overall, great job! I am so proud of you. :icongoldstarplz: